Last night, after a weekend spent with Hudson, I was left feeling sad, emotional, and drained. I have him every weekend (Thursday-Monday), and make it my top priority to ensure we play, make memories, go on adventures, learn, and snuggle. We typically "do it all", and then I'm literally exhausted by the end of the weekend, just in time to start a fresh work week. Adversely, on a given day when we don't "do it all", and we stay home most of the day and do chores and watch movies and play (like yesterday), I'm left feeling guilty and empty. "Did I do enough?"... "Maybe we should have gone somewhere, or done something!"
I wasn't aware of the emense pressure that parents can be subjected to. I feel the heat every day to step up my game: to do something more, something different, something slower, something better. It's an endless roller coaster of emotions leaving me sad some days, happy other days, and severely fatigued the whole way through.
When my weekend with Hudson is packed with events and commitments, I wish for nothing else but our weekend to be wide open so that we can just relax and enjoy some down time. When our weekend is slow, I'm tired and edgy from having to entertain him, and I feel guilty that we aren't doing more with our time. Talk about "grass is always greener" syndrome. The sad and frustrating part is, I'm able to totally self reflect and realize this, but the vicious cycle relentlessly continues.
I mean, I guess things could be worse; I could not care at all, and not ever reflect on our days together, leaving me to live out the same, redundant patterns of parenting time and time again. So, well, there's that at least.
What I continue to tell myself before I fall asleep at night is that I'm doing the best that I can, with the time that I've got. I want Hudson to have happy memories when he thinks back to these days, and in order to do that, I have to be happy. So, here's to focusing on just being fufilled and ridding myself of the mom guilt that I had last night and for much of today, too. Tonight I focused on myself (did some cleaning, got a workout in, made myself dinner, and then chilled with popcorn and The Bachelor while writing this post ~ writing my thoughts helps me overcome stress, so thanks for reading). I have to be in the moment, rather than subjecting myself to the pressures of doing more than I should be doing, or visa versa. I'm doing my best with the craziness that life is, and I want Hudson to see that and experience that each and every day that he's with me.
Back to the popcorn and The Bachelor... Sans wine tonight, folks. Yes, I'm feeling ok. I think. Maybe not.
Mommin' ain't easy!