I'm no Mother's Day expert (Sunday was only my fourth Mother's Day ), however I am enough of an expert to know that it just felt strange.
I'd like to think there is no stigma attached to single parenting, however I swear I felt the stares yesterday. Literally, every mom I saw along our walk and at the park was there with an entire family; kids, and husband in tow.
In the afternoon as Hudson and I stood in line for 30 minutes to get ice cream, I could sense the mom in front of us (yep, with her kids and husband) feeling bad. She kept looking back at us, maybe to see if my husband would show, (or maybe because I had something in my teeth?) - I'll never know, but I continued to self-consciously think about my situation. I had one woman sit beside me at the playground and asked which kid was mine. As I pointed to Hudson in the distance, she asked, "just the two of you here today?" *Gulp*, "Yep!" I felt like running away.
Anyone who knows me knows how proud I am: of my independence, my life, my son, my situation, my career, the list goes on. I felt so uncomfortable feeling insecure. To me, it was just another single-mom day, spending quality time with Hudson, but to everyone else I encountered that day I could read their, "aww, poor single mom" thoughts, which made me feel different than any other day the two of us typically spend together. I felt awkward at times, uneasy at others, and nearly gutted at one point. I know these women weren't judging me, but it made me uncomfortable thinking that perhaps they were possibly sympathizing. I wanted to reach out to them to say, "I chose this. I am capable of this. I am happy", but I didn't. Sometimes I feel like its best to say nothing at all. I don't need to explain myself or justify my life.
The day was filled with ups and downs; my brother came over in the morning to cook us brunch, and we had a nice family visit, but the remainder of the day had me feeling alone, isolated, and sad. As I relaxed and watched Hudson do his thing at the skate park on his scooter, I sat with watery eyes, keeping my shades on to hide my emotions from the others around me. Thankfully, with one mere smile from Hudson across the way, my sadness dissipated into the air, allowing my lungs and heart to fill with my usual happiness and pride. Additionally, later that day he requested to lay on my chest, as he did when he was a baby, just before nap time. It was heavenly and I wanted to press pause.
Children have super powers that solve the darkest of problems. It still boggles my mind how effortlessly they heal our wounds.
Although Sunday was challenging for me, I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else's here on Earth (like, literally not even Gigi's), because no one else on Earth has Hudson, my Hudson.
To all the mamas, single mamas, soon-to-be mamas, step-mamas, mamas of babies in heaven, and every other type of mama out there, I truly hope you had the best day ever yesterday. Each and every one of you inspire me daily... even the mamas who I caught feeling bad for me yesterday, because I'll continue to be strong me, and you continue to be strong you. We're all strong, just in different ways.
Much love to you all, and thanks for reading,