Growing up, I always pictured my future, and when I'd close my eyes at night, I painted an image so vividly vibrant and happy that I was always extatic to enter adulthood and make all of my wishes come true.
Enter life after high school.
Relationships, heart breaks, post-secondary struggles, stress, juggling studdies and work, maintaining a social life, more stress, being piss-poor broke, navigating through roommates, moving back home, moving out again, more heart breaks, stress, more stress, anxiety about the present, anxiety about the future.
Enter late twenties and dirty thirties.
More heart break, stress about the beginning of my career, financial instability, unaffordable housing crisis, my aging ovaries, family struggles, a struggling relationship, the end of the relationship, more stress, more anxiety about the present and the future, even older ovaries... tick tock...
My life, as I had envisioned, was anything but. Being a control freak, I was often angered at not being able to control the outcome of my life. It seemed like few things were in my power.
"We can envision our life one way for all of our lives, yet our lives have a way of living their own life, and this life is the way it was meant to be." - August 9
In my late thirties, I am no longer a hostage to the self-painted perception of my own reality. Whatever happens in my life is the way my life is truly meant to be lived. Of course there are decisions and journeys that impact its course, but I have found peace and solitude in trusting that there is a plan for me, and that when I'm old and sitting on my porch reflecting, I won't be able to imagine my life being any other way than the way it is, the way it has been, and the way that it was destined to be right from the start.
This is my life, and my life has plans for me. Since surrendering my mind to the subjective opinions of what my life is as oppposed to what I thought my life should be, I accept uplifting surprises and both the expected and unexpected hardships.
I may not share my life with the person I've always wanted to, I may not have another child like I've always imagined, my son may not have his parents living under one roof like I aspired to maintain, and I may not ever own a home with a yard, but you know, how neat is it that I never know what's in store for me? I don't know what my future holds, and I'm ok with that. I think knowing what the next decade or two looked like would bore me, and I despise boredom.
Since reprogramming my way of thinking about my life, I am inspired to continue to use my voice, to share my story, to connect with like-minded people who motivate me to be better, to be the mom and teacher I always pictured myself to be, to love someone despite the inability for timing to ever be on our side - (because love is amazing, and why should I ever freaking say no to loving someone?).
So, life, I'm speaking to you now...
Thank you. Thank you for the greatest gift. Thank you for each and every day that I'm here, healthy, and present. I'm sorry for every being mad at you. I became a puppet to society, which had fooled me to believe that I should accomplish certain things by a certain age and to live a particular way. This is my way, and I fully understand that now. You're such a magical thing, and I'm so thankful that, despite thinking for years you were never on my side, you've been here all along, surprising me, and fulfilling me in ways I never imagined. I will forever be grateful for you, and I will always trust that you know best.